A Different Perspective

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
- Erma Bombeck

As the mother of a child who has autism, I have learned this better than I thought I could.  I'm not saying that I don't sometimes still judge people, I'm not perfect.  But one group that I've learned not to judge is my fellow parents.  Most people, even some parents, when they see a parent whose child is misbehaving or being obnoxious or loud or throwing a tantrum, they glare at the parent as if they are the worst parent in the world.  We're guilty of having done it at least once, even if we don't admit it.  We see the child throwing a tantrum, or talking too loudly in the restaurant, or wearing a diaper even though they should be much too old to do so.  And we automatically think, "oh, if I were that child's parent, what I would do is....".  But you know absolutely nothing about that child or his parent in most cases.  And sometimes, even if you do, your lack of perspective gives you a skewed judgment of what is really happening and how it should be handled.

Aidan has a hard time using the correct volume at the right time and place.  Aidan is very sensitive to sound, light, and smell (and maybe other things he can't tell us).  Aidan has a difficult time with transitions and needs extra warning that something is about to change, and what to expect.  Aidan isn't always able to put into words what he wants or needs and it frustrates both of us.  Aidan loves watching the same thing over and over and over and over.  Aidan loves to sing, and will do so as often as he's permitted to do so, and sometimes when he isn't.  Aidan can't always make eye contact, but he tries to.

But let's assume you didn't know any of those things about Aidan and you came across the two of us at the grocery store.  He starts out talking or singing loudly, and you may not know it but I've given up trying to quiet him down because it isn't a library or the movie theater.  Then, without much warning he puts his hands over his ears and starts acting rather brattishly - you don't pay attention but to him the combination of sounds has become overwhelming, perhaps the loudspeaker came on or more people were talking than before.  He's also hungry and the lights are bothering his eyes, but you don't know this when he starts having his melt down, screaming and throwing a fit because he can't tell me what is making him so uncomfortable.  I have to finish my grocery shopping and I don't have anyone who could have watched him because I'm a single mom and don't always have an immediately available babysitter, or a chance to do it while he's at school.  I know that you're watching me and rolling your eyes and talking behind your hand to your friend about how terrible of a person and irresponsible of a mother I am because I can't control my child, and don't have the common courtesy to take him out of the store so people can shop in peace.

I've learned the hard way never to judge parents for the way their children act, because it requires me to make an assumption that everything else about their life is perfect and they are just choosing to let their child behave poorly.  I can't stand the look I get when Aidan is having a bad day.  I thank God that those days are fewer now than they used to be, but there was a time when I dreaded taking him anywhere in public.  It made me want to carry around business cards so people would stop looking at me like I was a bad person, and looking at my child like he's the devil.

So, next time you're out at a restaurant or shopping, or wherever you may be, and you see a child who's acting like a handful and it annoys you, before you make a snarky comment about how you would handle it... stop.  Think.  Reserve judgment.  Be compassionate.  Smile at the mom who's struggling with her child that is screaming for apparently little reason (don't assume it's just because he didn't get his way), offer to carry something for the dad who needs to pick his little girl up because things are too loud for her and she's in a panic, laugh and join in when someone's child is singing along with the music.  We're so quick to judge people, and it's a hard habit to break.  I was blessed to be given a little boy who could force me to break that habit.

Honestly I think someone secretly prayed I would be given patience.

Thanks, whoever you are.  My test has been awesome!