A Different Kind of Meltdown

I should have guessed that having Game Day and an assembly at school instead of the normal routine would throw off Aidan's whole day. He was apparently really good all day, but then at the end of the day ran in the hall and when a teacher stopped him and told him to come back and walk he refused to look at her or talk to her. He was cranky in the car about buckling up. Then when he got home I asked him to feed the dogs before he got snack. With lots of griping (as per usual) he got them food, got Muffin the old dog the WRONG Food even though he knows that she ALWAYS eats the same food as Harley the young dog, and then because of his attitude he picked up when corrected for getting the wrong food, he slammed Harley's bowl on the floor and made all the food fly out. I fussed at him and told him to clean it up. At this point the meltdown began.

Normally Aidan's meltdowns involve him lashing out at the environment around him, especially me or Daddy or whomever else is around. Today it was different. He screamed repeatedly that he wanted to kill himself and starting punching himself HARD in the head. I had to hold his hands and try to calm him down for about 15 minutes before he stopped trying to hurt himself. He cried for a while after that, and screamed he hated me several times, but he seems mostly okay now. Well, except that he's still mad at me and wants to pack up his bags and Harley and live in the middle of nowhere and doesn't care if he starves to death as long as he's away from me.... When did I get a teenager?

Anyways, I'm obviously really concerned about the self-harm during the meltdown today. Every so often he will get frustrated and hit himself, although rarely in meltdown mode. Today was so different and I just didn't know how to react. What should I do? He thankfully has a therapy appointment next week.

Meltdowns 101

A lot of people outside the autism community seem to be confused or misinformed or uninformed about meltdowns in autistic children (and adults for that matter). I know that when Aidan has a meltdown, I make myself stop and say “Okay, is this a meltdown or just a tantrum?” It's usually pretty easy to tell the difference. Sometimes a meltdown will start as a tantrum but devolve into a meltdown, usually because Aidan's communication skills aren't enough and he gets frustrated, or because whatever caused the tantrum was just a trigger for a meltdown (like the straw that broke the camel's back – more about this later). A meltdown can happen for any number of reasons, and it's often difficult to tell what that reason is – I try to go back after an unexpected meltdown (it's not possible to do so DURING) and figure out what triggered it. If and when possible I'll try to defuse the situation before the meltdown happens, but this isn't always possible. Just like the bombs on television always have digital clocks on them, all autistic kids have bright, easy to see, obvious warning signs, right? Wrong. Sometimes I can see it coming, but unfortunately it's usually too late by the time I do.

What does a meltdown look like?

For Aidan, a meltdown may start with a very aggravated look on his face, widened eyes, clenched teeth, and balled up fists. He'll often growl at me or grunt, and usually at this point is beyond speaking to me, especially not to tell me what's wrong. This then progresses beyond aggression into violence – at this point if I look at his eyes, it's almost like Aidan's not in there at all, he's been taken over by this crazy little rabid animal for the time being. He begins screaming at me and then attacks me. I can try to walk away or place him in his room to do his thing by himself, but inevitably Aidan will pursue me. He will punch me, scratch or claw me, kick me, throw whatever is available at me, headbutt me, and attempt to bite me. His whole body is completely tensed up, his back frequently arched. He's chipped my teeth, broken Jeremy's glasses, damaged his own toys, thrown furniture, and always leaves claw marks and bruises all over me. It can last anywhere from 5 minutes up to an hour (we've never seen one longer than that, thank goodness, although he has had multiple meltdowns in one day). A meltdown doesn't stop as suddenly as it starts. Eventually Aidan slowly calms down, stops hitting me or trying to hurt me, moves from screaming and growling into crying and sobbing, and his body relaxes. He'll hide his eyes at this point, a lot of times he'll cover his ears, and sometimes he'll let me rub his back but usually he doesn't want anyone to touch him. If I try to talk to him about it, it's going to either make him cry harder or ramp the meltdown back up. He's usually very very tired after a meltdown and doesn't talk much at all.

What causes a meltdown?

Often a meltdown seems like a mystery. There are any number of triggers for a meltdown, and what may seem to be the cause of a meltdown this time, might not so much as phase Aidan next time. Or something that never bothered Aidan before suddenly sets him off unexpectedly. This is a pretty good sign that what set him off was a trigger but not the cause. Think of it like the old metaphor of the straw that broke the camel's back; a combination of sensory overload, physical discomfort, frustrations, disappointments, or surprises comes together to confuse Aidan's brain and he doesn't have the vocabulary or self-control to handle it calmly or at least ask for help to fix the situation. Sensory overload for Aidan is usually sound related, although it can be lights or any number of other sensory input – think of it kind of like how a strobe light can cause a seizure. Physical discomfort we've discovered after the fact has been from toothaches, tummy aches, sore throats, and even from being given milk at school (his tummy is very sensitive to milk products). Frustrations could be caused by a game not working for him or a friend not doing what he wanted or expected. Also, Aidan has a very strong sense of “justice” which isn't always logical, but if you punish him for something that he feels was not wrong or that he wasn't told there was a rule against, he will go into a tail spin.

Can't this just be “disciplined” out of him?

If Aidan is just throwing a tantrum, or if he's winding up toward a meltdown but still has some control over his behavior, then yes, discipline or even distractions can help the situation. But if Aidan loses control over and unmet need or discomfort, and I punish him instead of figuring out what his problem is, then I'm only going to make Aidan even more out of control. Basically I'm punishing him for trying to communicate that something is wrong in the only way he knows how at the moment. Some days his verbal skills are worse than others. Especially if Aidan is fighting off being sick, his ability to tell me something wrong can be diminished by various factors, and if I try to punish him into acting the way I want him to, I'm just going to make things worse.

So what do I do now that I know?

For a long time I had no idea whether Aidan was having a tantrum or a meltdown. I would try to punish him and only make things worse. Without the experience I have now with Aidan, I wouldn't know what to do in the event of a meltdown. Now, if I judge that Aidan isn't throwing a tantrum but has completely left the building when it comes to his ability to control his behaviors, then my only option is to make sure he's in a safe place (out of reach of things that can get broken or could hurt him), and try to restrain him enough to keep him from hurting himself or me. It's exhausting for everyone involved, and god forbid it happens in public. I think the hardest thing to explain to people without experience in the world of autism, is that aggression and meltdowns and the behaviors associated with them, are not signs of a spoiled or bratty child, or of bad parenting – they are simply symptoms of a disorder.

I invite your questions, comments, and suggestions (so long as they are constructive and in the spirit of learning and cooperation).